This is it

We all know those stories of people who had a massive health scare or loss in their lives and used that momentum to change their path. If you’re anything like me, you, too, have occasionally wondered what might be your changed path. If a heart attack forced you to reconsider life, what might you do differently? It’s one of the weirder bits of life that so many of us long for change but never get around to actually changing something. Unless that moment comes. That diagnosis. That phone call. That accident. That suicide attempt of a loved one. Or whatever would change your path.

My idea has strangely focused around what discipline I would choose as a paralympic athelete should I ever face a major injury. Last year I hurt my knee, and I’ve been a whining mess ever since. Not a snowflake’s chance in hell that I might use this to get back into sports. Granted, my orthopedist would probably quit if I tried, but you see the point. I’m really great in thinking through all sorts of possibilities. And I’m also constantly in analysis paralysis, and it takes me a loooong time to get up and act.

And so, on a completely different note, I allowed myself to stay in a less than ideal work situation for too long. Right now, simply surviving takes up so much energy that any attempt to change my job seems like a superhuman challenge. It has reached the point where I sit on the tube on my way home and I start to wonder whether this time, the bursting headache may not be a migraine but the sign of a cerebral hemorrhage. And that thought makes me calm down. If I die, at least I don’t have to go to the office tomorrow.

It’s not that I haven’t tried to escape. I have applied for jobs. I have had the most amazing interviews. But then realised that I’d like to make a bigger shift than simply changing my employer. I took a coaching course, which was awesome, and I see a counsellor – paid for by my employer, in order to stay sane.

And still. When Sunday night brings with it nausea and sadness, I find myself praying that this may be the atypical manifestation of a heart attack in a woman so I can stay home for a few months. Maybe I’m just depressed. And I use “just” in full awareness. Having survived depression before, I know that I’m not. I’m tired. Exhausted. Frustrated. And I may well end up suicidal if I stay on this track for much longer. But I’m also well educated, experienced, with no commitments. I’m fairly healthy, and I live in a free, wealthy, peaceful country. I got lazy, and a bit complacent. My environment has started to rub off on me in ways that alienate me from my quirky, creative, bold, and fun bits.

So I’m hereby publically declaring that things have to change. Asapissimo.

Join me on my journey if you like. And let’s see what life has in store for this human. Feel free to reach out if you want to discuss how to deal with change and crisis in your life. Or have an idea what I could do to explore my career options or add more fun to the journey.