The end of this year is fast approaching, and like many others, too, I recently checked up on my plans for 2023 to see which open loops I might be able to close before New Year’s Eve. During the process, I skimmed through my diary from last year. Yes, I am a diary writer. Always was, always will be. Reflective writing keeps me sane.
Anyway. So I flicked through the pages and a sentence caught my eye because it was highlighted. I did that some six months ago or so when I already came across it and thought: Listen to yourself! The diary entry was from my new boss’s second day in office. He had held a conference call to introduce himself, and on that night I wrote into my diary:
“After five minutes I wanted to quit; after ten minutes I knew I have to leave.”
That was 15 months ago. It doesn’t matter what he said or what it was in his attitude that made me realise immediately that our ideas about leadership are so far apart that I knew we wouldn’t make it as a boss-employee-tandem. No matter how hard we tried. And trying, I did.
Denial
He comes into our team in the middle of a running project. Of course he needs some time to adjust and understand the dynamics of who we are and what we’re doing how. Maybe he just doesn’t know that I’m an experienced leader myself and could really help him addressing some of the issues around here. I should have taken a moment to make sure he knows I mean no harm to his position. Leading a group of self-sufficient knowledge workers is difficult, especially if your background is in a highly bureaucratic environment where people do as they are told because YOU told them. Really, I understand that. Let’s give him some time to get settled. And maybe cool it down a bit.
Anger
Unless, of course, are you kidding me? Could you please clarify…? I would suggest to… What if we actually create a plan to…? I understand you are frustrated, but it’s your job to keep me motivated, not the other way round. Am I getting this right? I’d rather you would address this in a team meeting… When will you make a decision so I can go on with this task? Didn’t we discuss the very same question last week? I’d really appreciate if you could answer my… Who the heck can work like this?!?
YOU WILL NOT MAKE ME QUIT!!!
Bargaining
I’m not saying he is a bad boss. Sometimes two great things just don’t go well together. Like strawberries and Baileys. Both tasty by themselves, go great with the right thing. But together? Thank you, but no, thank you. So maybe, we are just not a good fit. I need structure, he prefers not to give it. I value transparency, he uses knowledge to establish power. I want to do exceptional work, he needs me to accept his definition of it. But I really don’t want to go. I like my job, at least I did so before. And I don’t really know what to do next, so I need some time to figure that out. Maybe if I try to better understand his needs and how I can help him. Keep out of the office gossip, dial down the ideas for improvement, and instead focus on doing what I’m told to do. I can do that. Treating work as a means to live, not ascribing meaning to it. Finding passion, joy and appreciation outside of work. I can do that… if I have to…. for a while.
Depression
A very short while. As it turned out. Being silenced and unappreciated wears me down. Losing the connection to those who are able to ignore the problems or take pride in rolling the stone up the hill again and again leaves me feeling… lost. Seeing no point in turning up makes me want to be sick so I can stay home. I feel stuck because I don’t want to take the financial hit – back to anger. Maybe if I reduce my working hours – bargaining. Everything to not feel what dawns behind the sadness: That I’m fighting a losing battle, and the only decision left is when to stop.
Acceptance
The decision came like a birth: with some screaming and kicking on my part. I was scared sh*tless. But then I came across my old diary, and it hit me: Why am I doing this? Why am I not trusting my gut? Still, at age 50? Who cares why I cannot work with this man? Whether what I think about his leadership is right or my need to leave justified? I spend too much time, trying to make something work, because I don’t want to be seen as someone who leaves for purely personal reasons. My self concept requires much more sophisticated decision making.
Here is a sophisticated thing a therapist told me twenty years ago in relation to children who refuse to go to school: “If a place is not good for you, the decision not to go there is perfectly rational. Only by training children to act against their better judgement, and forcing them to go to a school that wouldn’t adapt for their wellbeing, are we setting them up on a path towards mental health problems.”
I quit my job this week.
Denial
I have a four months notice period, so no need to worry.
Source: The Circle of Denial (also: the five stages of grief) is a concept by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross who developed it for her work with terminally ill patients. Nowadays it’s widely used to help people and organisations understand change processes in general.
